Monthly Archives: August 2016

Whatever you feel is ok

I wrote these last week when I was too sad to share. But we all go through grief and it’s ok to be sad – a very valuable lesson I’ve been able to share with my son. A big lesson to me to stop and really feel what I’m feeling and seek the support I need too.

I’ve been deeply upset this week as a dear dear friend and surrogate grandmother died and her funeral was yesterday.
I feel so grateful and blessed to have shared so many years with her. Being in her presence was amazing as she saw the good and potential in everyone. She always had a compliment and a smile. I love going back through those beautiful memories.
Gradually, as her funeral drew nearer I have become sadder, realising I suppose just what I’ve lost from my life now that she’s no longer physically present. Her energy felt like it was slipping away when it had been so present.
I am so grateful to my friends who have supported me through this – even when I didn’t appreciate how sad I was. It’s so easy for me to block my emotions while they bubble underneath, impacting my mood and decisions without me being aware of it.
Once I’d acknowledged my feelings and begun to express them, I made the conscious decision to be open with our son – now 3.5 years – letting him know I’m sad and why. This is life – we experience death – something he sees in nature all the time as he finds dead butterflies, bees etc.
Ultimately this is a celebration of a fantastic life lived to the full with love and generosity. I will always remember her with a smile and be so grateful that I got to spend so much of my life with her.

Yesterday I said goodbye to a very special lady. She was a beacon of light and joy and I miss her so much.
The past few years have been hard as dementia took hold and her wit and loving words dried up. Yet her beautiful smile always remained.
This was the woman who taught me how to use a typewriter at 5 years old and who I shared many times with along with my parents. I particularly loved the Christmas Victorian evenings when we’d very slowly make our way as she had to say hello to everyone. As a vibrant member of the community, she was much loved and known. We continued to go to that evening for many years.
As soon as I had a car of my own, I would drive to hers for Chinese takeaway meals – initially with her husband and then just the two of us after he died. We had those takeaways for 25 years. Those wonderful evenings discussing the world, her amazing upbringing in India and coming to England as a bride, her family stories – she loved her family so much.
She always had something nice and loving to say – who is going to tell me I look young with amazing skin now? I guess I’ll have to do it now. I can hear her voice and feel her energy and I hope that I can be a little more like her – so giving and joyful as well as deeply confident in herself. I’m not sure I can emulate her amazing wit though.
I feel honoured that I’ve shared 40 years of my life with this amazing woman and that my son got to spend 3 years knowing her. He asked to see her and enjoyed time with her.
I will always miss her and am so deeply grateful to have had her in my life.