I wrote this article years ago for Starflower Living e magazine.
‘Be careful what you wish for!’
Four years ago I embarked upon yet another ‘spiritual’ course to change my life, thinking that it would be interesting and fun and life would trundle on much the same. How wrong can you be! At the end of the course I set a powerful intention to have a child, fast forward to now and I’m chasing a toddler around all day long!
Let me back up a bit and tell you about myself. I had a rupturing ovarian cyst at 22 years old, I needed emergency surgery and I never really recovered as my abdomen was full of scar tissue – adhesions which don’t stretch so every movement was painful and for the first few years I couldn’t even stand up straight when walking. Over the years I tried many complementary therapies to aid my own healing, having discovered that conventional medicine (drugs) just don’t work on me. Reiki is my greatest love and I was blessed to discover it in 1997 and trained in it for my own healing. Gradually I learnt my own limitations and managed to do just-about everything I wanted. I met my soulmate Steve in 2004 and told him straight away that I couldn’t have children – I’d been told by Drs that I needed to wait a while but it may be possible but I didn’t dare believe it was.
Intention, Belief & Actions
I remember so clearly, Steve pushing me into signing up for the 7 week Feminine Power online/telephone course. So I enrolled and loved the work; there was a lot of self-exploration and introspection and it was very enlightening. The biggest challenge for me was at the end of the course when we had to future vision which is not something I’m particularly good at. Yet I can remember that vision so clearly – Steve and I in a large garden, laughing with our child. It felt incredible but to my mind unobtainable. Yet in the spirit of the course, I began to open up about the vision and ask others to hold the vision with me. It was so painful even admitting to myself that I wanted a child – I was 39 by now and had been told by a GP to give it up as I was suffering excruciating ovulation pain along with the constant adhesion pain. Admitting it to others was a slow process as it meant opening up such vulnerability. The biggest was admitting to my mother that I had that dream and letting her hold it with me. I worked so hard to break down my limiting beliefs which were preventing me even imagining having a child.
Over the next few months Steve and I were open about our desire though it still felt impossible as we’d been ‘not not-trying’ for years. Steve began making me juices every day and I would take female herbal tonics, along with our organic vegetarian diet. I began giving myself much more Reiki, especially my womb and we discussed and imagined how we would raise a child. I wrestled with my ‘perfectionism’ tendencies that led me to believe I needed to be slim and instead, nurtured myself on every level and trusted that if it was possible, I would have a child. I continued my Feminine Power journey by taking the Mastery course and then the Leadership course.
Stepping into the Unknown
I realised that all the healing and cleansing in the world wouldn’t help me because I was so miserable with my day job. So in autumn 2011 I finally left my job and flew to Los Angeles the next day to train as the only Feminine Power Coach from England. Weeks later, I co-led a women’s retreat with a fellow Feminine Power sister at her home in Italy. I relished the beautiful landscapes and sacred space of women. I held my own womb so deeply and finally after 18 years felt ready to go back through my operation energetically and heal that experience.
In March 2012, I had a vision/experience where I saw our son as a tall blond young man – and I said I was so sorry that he didn’t come into being but that I couldn’t try any more, I felt so upset each month and felt I couldn’t move on with my life. It was heartbreaking.
Weeks later, I co-led a retreat in Italy again and this time I was ready to engage with my own conception/birth, while being held by my sisters at the end of the retreat. I felt such a powerful bond with my mother and the journey we both travelled. The most transformative moment of the retreat for me was as I held one woman on the earth and felt my whole being channelling Reiki/Earth Love to her – it was a humbling and magical experience. I felt that even if I was never a ‘mother’, I am an Earth Mother and that is more than enough.
One month after the retreat, I missed my period! While unusual I put it down to peri-menopause. By the time I saw a doctor I was 10 weeks pregnant and had done 7 positive tests! I didn’t dare to believe it was possible. So there never was any of those screaming ‘I’m pregnant moments’ but a gradual realisation that maybe it was possible. Telling my mother was so precious and although we have a good relationship, it deepened in that moment. At my first midwife’s appointment, we heard the heartbeat straight away. I can’t describe that moment.
At 41 years old, overweight and with an abdomen full of adhesions, I sailed through the pregnancy. Lots of healthy vegetarian food, swimming 3x a week, daily walks meant I was fitter than I’ve ever been. We refused all medical intervention apart from one scan at 20 weeks when we were told it was a boy – no surprise given my vision and a dream a few nights before of holding a child dressed in blue. Though strangely we’d never considered boy names! I gave up freelance work and spent my days resting with meditation and healing and leisurely walks.
Dillon arrived one day before his Great Grandmother’s 89th birthday in January 2013. His labour was a lesson in complete surrender to me as I faced my worst nightmare of medical intervention – from induced labour as his heart rate was elevated, right through to being rushed to theatre for an emergency c-section. I begged the doctors not to cut me as I wouldn’t be able to care for my baby if I put down more adhesions. At the very last moment, after receiving all the drugs, they were able to deliver Dillon with forceps. We were told he’d need to go to a ward for observation but within minutes he recovered and was passed to us for a sleepy cuddle with his father.
Trusting life to unfold
He is a total blessing to us and a challenge as we meet his needs and those of ‘the family’ with love. I am 2 stone lighter than I was before I got pregnant and rarely have any adhesion pain. We have easily slipped into ‘attachment parenting’ with breastfeeding, sling-wearing and co-sleeping – all the while led by Dillon. I am now gently returning more to the world as Dillon gains his independence at 18 months old. I’m a full-time mum and will remain so while gradually starting to do some healing and coaching work. I am also a passionate photographer and have written a Flower Meditation book which will soon be published.